CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.