Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
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Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*