Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.


You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.


[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it


I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.


If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.


I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me


5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?


Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.


One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt


Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”