Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
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My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.