I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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Cheers Twitter.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.