Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
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It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
🤣🤣
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
HELP 😭
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
#damn