Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
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What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Nice try, poison.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.