Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
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REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
sigh
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.