@BuckyIsotope

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

You Might Also Like

@minnascule

just learned that “hanky panky” is not slang for “hankering for a pancake”. feeling devastated

@wchoughton

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.

@TonyFan1420

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

@Darlainky

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

@Book_Krazy

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

@DanLaMorte

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”