CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Sharon I have some bad news
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)