white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
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Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I’m not stressed
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died