My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
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Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played