captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.