“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
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In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg