captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.