*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
You Might Also Like
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
philosophical skeletons be like
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”