Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
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Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
*serious situation*
My brain:
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West