@vonTraphaus

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

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@AbrasiveGhost

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

@AndyAsAdjective

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

@DranoRaul

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

@280Jokes

When mom returned from the store, her son had found a box of animal crackers. He spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. “What are you doing?” his mom asked. “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy says. “I’m looking for the seal.”

@FredTaming

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

@stacywawa1

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

@tinatbh

people: u should smile

me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks

@wolfpupy

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

@envydatropic

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English