Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS