hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
You Might Also Like
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.