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@chuuew

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

@boogersincoffee

i hate when you google stuff like ‘insidious’ it gives you the definition but when you google ‘butt’ it doesn’t. define butt for me damn it

@OllyiConic

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.

@TheHyyyype

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

@flashember

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

@ddsmidt

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

@RandomAntics

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

@Rollinintheseat

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

@AmishPornStar1

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?