Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
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i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?