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@Cpin42

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

@MrAdamBez

*gets sentenced to 25 years in prison*

*opens twitter app*

*looks up*

*being released*

@Corncleats

*flexing arms* I’d like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and-

“Hammer?”

Holy shit that’s way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2

@elle91

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

@drayzze

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Doorbell repairman.”

@mattingebretson

My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday

@o__0Dev

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.

@DadandBuried

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

@newLettuce

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS