People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
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BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress