Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
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[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
The best plant holders?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.