Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Happy Star Wars day!
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
No chill.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
another case of gang violins
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.