CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
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Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending