CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
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i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Barbie gone wild
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha