@Shenaniglenns

CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.

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@wokkax3

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

@backporchlady

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

@MsMosman

Blocked a someone with “Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager” in their bio just to mess with their head. And it’s douchy.

@UnFitz

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

@pleatedjeans

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

@ShanaRose21

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

@MorganJ7

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.