how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
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Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.