Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
captions that need to die:
“so i did a thing”
“today was ok” –a photo of a situation that is clearly more than ok
“he’s alright I guess”
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“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
SATAN: Welcome to hell
ME: That’s nice, giving me a welcome
S: I never thought of it like that
M: You’re a nice guy
S: *tearing up* no u are
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Cop: You know your license’s expired?
Me: Didnt even know it was sick.
Cop: Step out of the car.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.