I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
captions that need to die:
“so i did a thing”
“today was ok” –a photo of a situation that is clearly more than ok
“he’s alright I guess”
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Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer
Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?
Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin
I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Her: ID please
Me: my beard is almost white
Her: still need it
Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Him: “Wow you’ve got alot of hair” Me: “Thanks grew it myself”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”