@shannonlaynee

captions that need to die:

“so i did a thing”
“today was ok” –a photo of a situation that is clearly more than ok
“he’s alright I guess”

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@AnnietheNanny1

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

@sonictyrant

Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer

Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?

Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin

@_ElvishPresley_

I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I’m a fan.

@BunAndLeggings

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

@Scorpio1080

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

@TheMichaelRock

Her: ID please

Me: for?

Her: alcohol

Me: my beard is almost white

Her: still need it

Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station

@crazylikeanox

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

@SoulYodeler

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

@CruisinSoozan

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”