Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
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[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
this post was so formative to me
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.