Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
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[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
That lamp looks PISSED.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Teamwork makes the dream work.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms