Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
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A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants