[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
what do you want!!!!!!!!
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
absolute chaos
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”