Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
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If a douchebag bungee jumps is it called a Bro-Yo?
We’ve all been talking about your paranoia.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
My son has the worst altitude ever. He’s defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.