Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
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when you push a pull door and the person behind says “you need to pull” aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom
If you want to confuse a teen just ask them what the opposite of literally is.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I’m the only stalker I know with OCD. After I break in to watch you sleep, I fold your laundry.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.