@RodLacroix

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

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@aedison

We’ve all been talking about your paranoia.

@jessokfine

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

@jazmasta

[loudly so dad who’s been depressed since mom left can hear]
Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS
*dad looks up*

@KickSumHunibuns

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

@jenstatsky

FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

@GlennyRodge

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

@hunz74

My son has the worst altitude ever. He’s defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.