@ArfMeasures

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

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@CAshmanActor

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

@BlueOnBlack72

I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.

@thenatewolf

Wife: how was the doctor?

Me: bad I’m dying

Wife: I know, how was the doctor?

@iGreenGod

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

@Reverend_Scott

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

@lucidchemistry

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

@Snarfernini

I’m a wealth of knowledge

Unless you want it to be true

Then I’m pretty solid on about 6 topics

2 of those might just be Doritos flavors