interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*
HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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I was married for 13 years and I swear, the only thing I learned is bras don’t go in the dryer.
Wife: how was the doctor?
Me: bad I’m dying
Wife: I know, how was the doctor?
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I’m a wealth of knowledge
Unless you want it to be true
Then I’m pretty solid on about 6 topics
2 of those might just be Doritos flavors