[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Midwest trash talk
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
a lot to unpack here
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie