[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
“you recording!?”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Unimpressed
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.