@Owl_Meat

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

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@froghammer

Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me

@DaddyJew

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

@BrokenDollMcGee

random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos

me: do you have any tattoos?

kid: nope

me: so you won’t be in hell?

kid: nope

me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then

@RedRegenerated

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

@karanbirtinna

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

@theshamingofjay

TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

@neiltyson

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

@merican_ninjy

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”