[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.