[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
scares
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.