Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}