[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
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My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts