@Chumpstring

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

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@karencheee

Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!

@gossipgriII

using microsoft word

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@ahhhpatrick

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@vinfury

If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.

@moose_chocolate

“Carrie” is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.

@buhsbaby_baby

Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.

@SomthinBoutSara

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”