[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that