@QwertyJones3

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

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@HansGrubertron

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

@mahatmatweeter

That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.

@seamusmckracken

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

@CopernicusG

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

@Eliixoo

“Are you drinking again?”

No,it’s just tea

“What kind of tea?”

Tea-quila

@JDBBourg

Doctor: You can only have clear liquids after midnight
Me: Sure no problem
Doctor: Not white wine
Me:

@cravin4

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

@kibblesmith

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

@CruisinSoozan

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.