[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*


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Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.


That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.


Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.


ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian


“Are you drinking again?”

No,it’s just tea

“What kind of tea?”



Doctor: You can only have clear liquids after midnight
Me: Sure no problem
Doctor: Not white wine


My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.


Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.


I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.