CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
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[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony