@JohnFugelsang

Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.

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@daplusk

Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?

@man_spach

The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

@realHamOnWry

My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do.

@doktorj

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

@tmckenna1

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to