Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.
You Might Also Like
Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?
The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to