The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
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[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.