[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner


Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.

Parents: ok, cool.

Me: Your luggage is outside


If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.


“Oh, don’t use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture.” -Whistler’s Mother


One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.


*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin


me: I love jalapeños

boss: same

me: we’re palapeños 🙂

boss: you’re fired


Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!


I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.