My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Pretty cool how your dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
New Coworker: So do you have any kids?
Me: Yeah, one too many
New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”
“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I just find it funny how Nick Jonas can literally read my sign I made for him in 2008 in Newcastle saying I had the love bug for him and still get married to that girl. Men are something else
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.