*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.


If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you


Pretty cool how your dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course”


My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.


8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before


New Coworker: So do you have any kids?

Me: Yeah, one too many

New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?

Me: One


“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”


I just find it funny how Nick Jonas can literally read my sign I made for him in 2008 in Newcastle saying I had the love bug for him and still get married to that girl. Men are something else


I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.


I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.