Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???


Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*


I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”


Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go


Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.


Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.


INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?

INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.


TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.



20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed