Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

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I am so lazy I thought about looking at the super moon and decided 2033 isn’t even that far away


the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants


I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective


Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money


Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.


Him: So what are you into?
Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics.


I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people


Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced


“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!