My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
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Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
J: What’s that awful thing called…
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
INVESTOR: But how will I know when it’s done?
INVENTOR OF THE TOASTER: Think of the most startled you’ve ever been.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed