car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
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[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*