car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
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How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Thoughts
where’s Godzilla when we need him
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
What do you hear?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”