Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
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My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.