me: how much to see the great white sharks?
vendor: tickets are $25 each
me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
car salesman: 100%
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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Octopus 1:” Woah. There’s an arm just swimming by itself.”
Octopus 2:” that’s an eel you idiot.”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
People with eyebrow, nose, and lip piercings always look like they landed face-first into a tackle box.
*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..
In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
FB friend’s boy in a baseball uniform pic: “Our little pitcher”
Me: “He looks more like a catcher”
Nobody got it.
So I’m back here..
No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is