@WhaJoTalkinBout

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

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@TweetPotato314

[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@d_duhwit

Octopus 1:” Woah. There’s an arm just swimming by itself.”
Octopus 2:” that’s an eel you idiot.”

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

@foodandwhining

People with eyebrow, nose, and lip piercings always look like they landed face-first into a tackle box.

@Bratterina

*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..

In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.

@mjkspeaks

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

@TheAlexNevil

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

@AristotlesNZ

FB friend’s boy in a baseball uniform pic: “Our little pitcher”

Me: “He looks more like a catcher”

Nobody got it.

So I’m back here..

@lauraleeksmith

No thanks private caller, I don’t even answer the phone when I know who it is