CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
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[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Is this a threat?
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
It’s actually Dr. whatever
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here