@justokdane

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

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@Fred_Delicious

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

@STitusR

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

@bngzyface

My Roomba just acts like a drunk person trying to play it cool.

@SufficientCharm

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

@MyMomologue

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

@Petote

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

@nuttywhippet

Ancient Chinese proverb:

man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.

@ItsAndyRyan

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

@KaRaRacn75

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.