car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

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“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”


Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.


My Roomba just acts like a drunk person trying to play it cool.


I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.



Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back


My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting


Ancient Chinese proverb:

man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.


Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.


People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.


Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.