Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!